I was bullied.
All the horrible bullying, teasing and deaths of teenagers recently has me thinking and reminiscing about my childhood.
Yes, when I was in elementary school and middle school, I was bullied. I wasn't the most socially advanced for my age (some would say I still haven't advanced) was somewhat awkward, came from a lower middle class family and was living in an upper class neighborhood. Add on top of all that I moved into this neighborhood recently, so I was the new kid on the block.
My father made an honest living, and both my parents were very hard workers. They wanted more for their kids than they had, and we moved into a white, Jewish, well to do area of New York (some would say Jappy and they would be correct).
But, by my parents striving for better, they put me in a situation that I wasn't ready for: name brand sneakers when I wore my brother's hand me down "skips" - non-brand ones. Levi's and Wranger's and Sasoon's when I wore Big Yank's. I was clearly not like everyone else and not only did I feel out of place, but I was treated that way. There was the "cool" group that I only hoped I could be friends with, but inevitably, I was left with the other "losers" or misfits that couldn't find their place in this strange society. There were also the Janitorial staff and teachers that were happy to get some sort of positive acknowledgment from any student. Those were my friends.
I remember my parents coming into school for some kind of test and meeting with a counselor. I don't know if this test was given to all kids or just me..but I remember a Rorschach test - with those ink blots. I also remember meeting with the principal because someone had bullied me, and stole my sweater or threw it in the garbage (what 9 year old boy is wearing sweaters to school anyway?) One day, I had an older "friend" someone my parents paid for obviously..they were a Big Brother (even though I had older siblings), but I don't remember it lasting very long, or there being anything significant about it.
When I entered middle school, things weren't much different. I remember lusting after the hotter, more popular girls and even attempting to ask one or two out (without success, mind you). Gold star for effort though. Funny thing, I remember sitting in Social Studies class and the Jappy popular girl next to me sneezed and accidentally blew a big booger on my leg. What did I do? I was too ashamed/embarrassed/socially inept/scared to say anything. So I made like I didn't see it and I ignored it until I could leave class and wipe it off.
One day, during before school lineup, I was waiting until the doors opened with all the other kids. Then, someone walked up behind me, grabbed me with their arm around my neck and picked me up as I stood there, choking, legs flailing..for what seemed like an eternity. Then he put me down and I turned around to see the tall bully laughing behind me. I believe that stuff happened more than once to me..but each time, I just walked away.
I never thought of taking a gun to the school to seek my revenge. I wasn't going to build bombs in my basement with names of the bullies on them. I didn't intend on sparking a fire to punish the well-to-do's for what they had and I didn't.
I suppose I thought on occasion, that because of my unhappiness, and misery, that my life was worthless. That it wasn't worth living and that I should die. Most of you, my readers, know that I have those feelings..even now, almost 40 years later. The pressures of life never end. The availability of woe is plentiful, even as an adult. But, it's the same for everyone..I (and YOU) and no different.
I can't imagine the pressure and helplessness a student feels when something as personal and intimate as their sexuality is what causes the target on their back. But I do know that things can change. I know, because, in some respects, they changed for me.
When I got to high school, I found my niche. I was in a religious group out of the public school arena and met some new people. Some went to my high school and some didn't. But, I believe, this small group allowed me to form a personality, a social ability that I obviously lacked, either because of immaturity or because of self-doubt. I was funny, I was sensitive, I was part of the group.
By the time I graduated high school, I had my own click..not the most popular, not the kids with the most valuables, but kids who were great friends and could be relied on when needed. We were able to go out together, be seen in public, even at popular places where I would previously feel out of place. Things change.
When I went to college, I felt confident that things would be different. I was in a new atmosphere, and hey, so was everyone else. We were on equal footing..and I had made my mind up that I wasn't going to be second class.
I remember meeting people from outside my New York roots. People from Boston, Pennsylvania, the Mid-West. People from all over the country without predisposed feelings about who I was or whether I was one of them. We were all in the same boat..we all wanted friends and I made a lot of them. I was one of the guys that everyone wanted to be friends with..and that included the girls too.
Things change. I was bullied. I'm happy that I didn't think of doing anything drastic when I was younger. Getting older, I realize that there are always valleys one has to cross, there will always be sadness..and feelings of despair. But that too will change. Too many people feel alone. To many feel that they have no choices.
When things are bad, we take comfort in the thought that they could always be worse. And when they are worse, we can find hope in the thought that things are so bad - they have to get better.
Things change..don't lose hope.
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I guess we all know the stereotypes of gay guys. We've all made jokes, or noticed a guy that just is acting "gay". But, we might as well just get some of them down on paper so it's all out there.
